Loneliness in the Life of a Missionary (Part 1)

Loneliness seems to be one of those universally experienced emotions, whether we acknowledge its presence or not. In some ways, loneliness has unique expressions in the lives of singles—and even more so in the lives of single missionaries—though it is not absent among those who are married. Whether a missionary finds themselves in an entirely new place, surrounded by unfamiliar people, a new language, a new region of their country of service, or back in their passport country, feelings of loneliness seem to go with them.

Over the past few months, I have been spending time in dialogue and listening to other missionaries share their experiences with loneliness. These have included singles and married couples serving for different lengths of time, some in various parts of the world but most in South Asia. I hope to synthesize my own experiences with what I have learned from these conversations so that we might all be edified and drawn together as the body of Christ.

What first stirred my reflections on loneliness was my own experience with it overseas. As a single person on the field, when I read passages like Genesis 2—“It is not good for man to be alone”—I would begin to feel frustrated. Questions would swirl in my heart and mind as I wrestled with the truths I knew about God’s character.

That was until I realized that the verse is not necessarily restricted to the context of marriage, though God says it to Adam in reference to his wife, Eve. For the missionary—single or not—the implications of this truth in Genesis are many. In the end, we come to understand that, in order to endure in any place, we all need a circle of people near us. At the same time, we hold to the reality that missionaries often begin in a new place without such a community—yet we trust, pray, and know that God provides what we need where He leads.

So with that, let’s unpack this a little more.

Loneliness: What it is and Isn’t

A great place to start in this conversation is to consider what loneliness is—and what it is not. We can get hung up here, causing a myriad of other issues when we try to identify what we are feeling. Loneliness is not simply being alone, nor is it synonymous with singleness. It is a feeling of sadness that comes from a lack of companionship. God created humanity for social relationships (Gen. 2:18)—incarnational, deep, valuable relationships—and when these are missing, feelings of loneliness often come over us.

Here, too, we can easily miss the universality of loneliness. We singles cannot monopolize loneliness, because it is not just ours. Single friends, if you didn’t already know, getting married does not mean you will never feel lonely again. Singleness can magnify loneliness. However, we must be careful not to let a false view of romance and marriage direct our thoughts and responses. We need to let go of the misconception that a romantic relationship is the only way for a single person to satisfy loneliness.

The Missionary and Loneliness

It seems that throughout the historical eras of Christian missions, loneliness has been a shared experience among missionaries. I think of Mary Slessor, a single woman who served in Africa, or Robert Morrison and his experiences in China. Other greats like Hudson Taylor and Lottie Moon also recorded their struggles with loneliness while serving. Lottie once wrote in a letter back home to the mission board, “I pray that no missionary will ever be as lonely as I have been.”

An informal survey of contemporary missionaries on the field revealed that loneliness is familiar to many. In numerous ways, cross-cultural contexts can draw feelings of loneliness up and out in unique ways. When you step off that plane for the first time, it can feel as though you have been thrust into a world that is completely unknown. People speak in a different tongue, dress differently, and act in ways that seem unfamiliar or even confusing. What was once familiar and comfortable—what was “home”—is gone. There are no more familiar institutions like church, school, work, or social gatherings that once provided opportunities to build close relationships. You are an outsider. Almost all of your social connections must be created from scratch. Square one.

This is exciting, yes, but it is also lonely.

In this new place, you make a new home, begin learning a new language, and change the way you dress—but still, you are not fully a part of what is happening around you. You can’t understand it all yet, so you can’t be deeply a part of it all yet. These realities are not only present when we first arrive. There might come unique seasons of ministry or times when you are forced to move due to visa issues, medical circumstances, or team changes. Then there are new friends to be made, a new rhythm to find, and a new normal to adapt to. These are the challenges that naturally produce feelings of loneliness in the lives of missionaries.

It’s normal. It’s expected. Though an odd reality, it’s a grace.

It might seem somewhat bleak, but in Part 2 of this series, we will tackle some practical steps we can take as we walk through loneliness on the field.