Loneliness in the Life of a Missionary (Part 2)

So what are we to do?

In Part 1, we saw that loneliness is a reality for those serving cross culturally and is a widely shared experience of missionaries from the past and present. It is not to be a monopolized feeling for singles serving on the field as married people also wrestle with it. Further, it seems that the circumstances which usually make up the life of a missionary are prime ingredients for loneliness.

This all can begin to feel rather bleak. Still though, there is great encouragement to find from the Scriptures and from the experiences of missionaries on the field. Here I offer four lessons on how the Christian laborer, cross-cultural or not, can work through loneliness in their context.

1. Lean into God

One glaring truth in all my discussions has been that loneliness is a grace in that it brings us nearer to Christ. Maybe the word grace feels a bit off here, but let’s consider it together.

Emotions can be to us like little check-engine lights. They aren’t bad in and of themselves, but they tell us something about what is going on inside us. Loneliness is one of those lights that blinks on the dashboard of our lives from time to time. In response to this flashing light, we have some options. One is to immediately turn to ourselves, to social media, or to another coping mechanism to escape the discomfort of loneliness. We all know from experience, though, that this doesn’t actually help us. When we tend only to the surface-level emotional discomfort instead of the deeper causes, we don’t experience real rest.

As believers, we have an opportunity to turn to God—an opportunity we might not have taken unless we felt lonely. Don’t leave me here; I know that simply “trusting God” is not always the satisfying answer we are looking for. Even so, we may be believing lies about ourselves or about God without even realizing it. Scripture tells us that God knows us intimately (Ps. 139) and that we have a great high priest, Jesus, who can “sympathize with our weaknesses,” and because of this we can “with confidence draw near to the throne of grace” (Heb. 4:15–16). Oh, what a wonderful truth!

Even further, as people, our identity should not be wrapped up in our circumstances. How does God define us? How might He seek to use this in our lives for our sanctification? Let’s pause and recognize that the emotions we feel—like loneliness—are ways God uses to draw us to Himself and to His church.

The first and most important way we can prepare for and deal with loneliness is to continually cultivate a healthy and growing relationship with God. In the throes of loneliness, like David in Psalm 13, we can bring our emotions before Him in honesty and remind ourselves of who God is. Though in verse 1 David cried out in his isolation, “Will you forget me forever?” he still ends his prayer by saying, “My heart shall rejoice in your salvation” (Ps. 13:5b). Practically speaking, think of enlisting a prayer partner—even if they are in a different time zone—to pray with you and for you in these moments.

In all of this, we find comfort that God sees us in it. He sees us in it all and offers us Himself. Praise Him.

2. Community with Locals

We know by now that it is not good for us to be alone. In new places, we have the opportunity to rub shoulders—literally—with new kinds of people, those who live around us. They might not come to us, so we must go to them. Invite people into things you are already doing. Baking cookies? Invite the auntie who lives downstairs to come make cookies with you. Need to go into the city to get medicine? Invite that sister from church to go with you and visit somewhere together afterward. In these little ways, we can intentionally build relationships with locals.

Community certainly won’t look like what you expect or what you imagine you “need,” but that’s okay. It might even be better if you give it the chance to be. Let’s also remember that the church is a great mosaic where we all—no matter our nationality—minister to one another (Gal. 3:28; Col. 3:11; 1 Cor. 12).

As missionaries, it is good to enjoy fellowship with other foreigners. However, if our goal is to make disciples in the nations (Matt. 28:18–20) where we are, how are we prioritizing time spent with locals? Do we see time with locals only as “work,” or are we moving toward them with friend-like compassion? We must remember to see people as people and not as projects in ministry.

One thing I’ve learned while being on the field is the value of choosing local community over community with people from your passport country. There are times when we have the option to do something with local friends or with other foreigners. Yes, there are times when we need the comfort of people from our home nation. Still, the encouragement here is to choose, more often than not, time with national friends. This is not only a strategic principle for the missionary but a practical one. Chances are the other foreigners will move to a new place long before your local friends ever will. A coworker expressed it this way: “My American friends will almost certainly leave before my national friends do.”

Again, how are we prioritizing our time spent with locals as people who fill our social circles of friends? Let’s remember the privilege we have to let national friends into our lives outside of a formal ministry context. But let’s also be intentional to spend time with people from our own nation—not doing “work,” but enjoying the good fellowship we have with one another.

2a. Consistency and Prayer

With all this talk about community with locals, there are two main ways we can develop it. The first is prayer. We must surrender this pursuit of local friendships before the Lord in prayer. He created us as social beings. He knows us, knows what we need, and is fully capable of providing the friends we require.

The second way we can be intentional about building community with locals is through our consistency. The thing about building a friendship is that it takes time, so we must faithfully persevere in putting ourselves out there, so to speak. In doing so, we make ourselves available for new relationships to form and grow. It seems that when we demonstrate to those around us that we are here—planting our lives in this place—people are more willing to spend time with us.

An easy application of this is faithfully attending the same local church. Further, I’d recommend staying afterward and trying to start conversations with people, even if you feel your language ability is too limited. You might be surprised by how far a smile can go.

3. “I don’t need a spouse, I need ____.”

I heard this phrase from a coworker of mine, and it was helpful in thinking about all the sorts of personal contact and relationships we need as people. We need friends, we need mentor-type relationships, and we need acquaintances.

When we face feelings of loneliness, we can ask, “What is a healthy solution? How does God want us to handle this?” Instead of—for the single person—an inward pity party because we are not married. Or, if you are married, remembering your need for different kinds of relationships to fill your cup, so to speak, rather than expecting your spouse to be the one-and-done solution.

Furthermore, as I continued speaking with my single friends, I came to understand how a false view of romance can make us go a little crazy. It’s not how we were designed. As a result of this false view, we might read too deeply into conversations, flirt, or seek out certain people’s attention.

Alongside this, there is the pitfall of beginning to view every person of the opposite sex as a potential future spouse. All of these things change how we treat people. The fallout of this false view of romance causes harm and disunity in the family of God. We can ask another question: How do these brothers or sisters, uncles and aunts, mothers and fathers fit into the wider family of God?

4. We may lack incarnational relationships, but we never lack a friend.

Ultimately, though sometimes I cannot talk with another person next to me, I can always talk with the Friend who never leaves me. Prayer is often a lifeline in the midst of situations when we feel that we are on the edge of total despair.

I am encouraged by the words in which Amy Carmichael found solace. She recounts what the Lord spoke to her heart, saying: “None of them that trust in Me shall be desolate.” This is true for each of us in Christ.

As cross-cultural heralders of the good news of Christ, let us remember the truths about the One we call Savior and Lord. Jesus said He is with us until the end (Matt. 28:20) and that He has sent a Helper to lead us into righteousness (John 14:27). Truly, spiritually, and permanently, we are never alone as we trust in Christ.

We can say with the psalmist in Psalm 139:7–10,

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.

So, in the end, as we consider the reality of life overseas—and even more broadly, a life of discipleship to Jesus—we must count the cost of loneliness. For those who are considering taking up the call to cross-cultural ministry, we ask the question, “Is Jesus worth it?” as we anticipate the heartache that comes with the work. For those who are already on the field, we can ask the same of ourselves: “Do I still consider Jesus worth this struggle? Is He enough for me in this place?”—and then come to grips with our answer.

As we look toward eternity, toward the time when we will never wrestle with loneliness, let us remember that our kingdom work is never in vain. So press on, sister. Press on, brother. Take heart that Jesus has overcome and has called us into this work of proclaiming the wonders of His love to a lost and dying world, no matter where we may find ourselves.

When the tides of loneliness rise, remember the One who is with you. Remember the love with which He loved you and called you to Himself and to His mission. May He be glorified in all the valleys and mountaintops we experience.